I have always had a love hate relationship with poverty. Growing up I lusted after luxuries that my family just couldnt afford. My mother would fill my head with visions of my rich future. She would tell me how rich and famous my art would make me one day. Many of her sweet words were spoken by candle light in a powerless house. She also taught me that unwavering gratitude for the present is how we make way for bigger blessings. So I clung to those words like a life raft. Those that know me know that I live my Life in gratitude. That I use my gratitude to manifest my hearts desires. It came as a shock when upon meditating and self reflection I realized that my gratitude, although divine, was being used as a tool by my mind to keep me addicted to poverty.
Eventhough my childhood was traumatic in many ways, none of those obviously traumatic experiences were caused by our lack of funds. Au contaire, those were some of the most joyous times of my youth. Listening to my mother speak in near darkness. Getting sprayed down with the hose in the back yard because it was too hot in the house to cool down. Roasting a hotdog on the stove with a pencil shoved into it, only to smother it in packets of fastfood ketchup and wrap it in 99cent white sandwich bread (because you can be poor and still have fun). Washing my uniform in the tub and hanging it on the shower rod while listening to my mom sing along to old Haitian bands on a Saturday morning. My poverty was a joyous one. A poverty filled with love and hope. A poverty that never felt like it would last forever.
I was also raised in a spiritual home. I remember learning along the way that it’s easier for a camel to enter the eye of a needle than a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven. Heaven is where I desperately longed to be when I left this plane of existence. Then I would watch television and read the papers and I realized that I was much happier than those that were financially well off. It seemed as though they were all secretly miserable or horribly ill. What kind of life was that to live?
Fast forward years later. I am 30 with 8 children. A happy marriage yet still live in poverty. Do I travel? Yes. Do I eat healthy? Yes. But I still live an impoverished lifestyle.
I might make 1000dollars this week and be dollar less come Sunday. I am basically debt free, but I always live paycheck to paycheck. My bills are always one step ahead of me. My hearts desires are often always one step away. I often have to move things around to take care of the necessary. I rarely can afford to do what I want when I want. Yet I live in constant gratitude for wherever I am in life. I am always in a constant state of expansion and growth. That’s what brought me to this awareness of poverty addiction.
I equate poverty not only with my experience of joy, but also as a way to stay on the heaven list. These 2 subconscious thought patterns have kept me from manifesting the abundance my conscious mind claims it wants and needs.
Abundance is free for all willing to accept. I somewhere along the way decided to reject this form of abundance. To truly love yourself and others you must be willing to live in the vortex of abundance and likewise be willing to do the work necessary to align yourself with what you are worthy of. I understand that it is my responsibility to retrain my mind and cleanse/balance my energies. Recovery doesn’t happen overnight. It’s a process. But the first step is admitting you have a problem.
I pray all of you that are reading this, and find yourself in my words, partner with me on this journey to recovery. Comment with your experiences and allow Source to provide all the tools needed for healing.